At home with Ne - Yo

Video Here To see the titan in performance of his masterpiece. 

I recently had the utmost pleasure of meeting the poet and writer Ne – Yo in his Grade II Listed barn in the Cotswolds. Deciding that his loyal fan-base and the American public in general did not understand the subtle delicacies of his writing, he has moved here to follow a path trodden by many a proud fore-bearer. Ne – Yo has come home to the birthplace of prose, to launch his recent masterpiece “Beautiful Monster” into the imagination of the British public. The following is an edited morsel of the 4 hours I spent with Ne – Yo in his home.

Chris McBean: So Ne – Yo, Some have called you a latter day Robert Burns... How would you respond to that?

Ne – Yo: I feel some affliction with my main man Rabbie, as we both didn’t get much traditional education but still found ourselves drawn to write about the everyday situations we see around us, to paint a picture of civilisation and our culture in the hearts of our fellow man

Chris McBean: You were both creative from an early age?...

Ne – Yo: Yes indeed; by the age of 15, Burns was the principal labourer at Mount Oliphant. During the harvest of 1774 he was assisted by Nelly Kilpatrick (1759-1820), who inspired his first attempt at poetry, O, Once I Lov'd A Bonnie Lass. Now that is the shit right there... When I was 15 I was laying rhymes down with lyrical pertinence to the time at hand. 

Chris McBean: Onto your latest poem; “Beautiful Monster.” Where did the inspiration come from?

Ne – Yo: As you are well aware, the “Monster” is the Neo-Conservatism that runs through the veins of the congressional system we suffered under in the US. Long have Americans been oppressed by a system that purports to be “Free” yet enslaves the minds of the people it pretends to protect. Calling the Poem “Beautiful Monster” Is a clever juxtapose; really how can a monster be beautiful Chris? How can it?

Chris McBean: Very good, it is almost like you are saying “hang-on, why am I so attracted to this monster?” A Beautiful monster cannot exist! Ha

Ne – Yo: Exactly my sentiment.. You see; we as the people want to be cosseted from the dangers of our freedoms, sometimes we cannot handle the freedoms we should be allowed, that is why we love “the monster”... That is why in the song I say “But I don’t mind:” Really I do mind, but I’m fighting this urge to make love to the monster when really it is destroying my creativity. It’s a hot Monster with a big ‘ole ghetto Booty that you just wanna smack around, but it’s also a monster who wants to kill you. That’s why I mention the Knife; the monster is a knife.... Shit; this is why nobody gets my shit over in the US

Chris McBean: Indeed, in fact in the poem you mention that you are turned on AND terrified. Was this intentionally an erotic piece?

Ne – Yo: I know that bitches gonna be getting a sweat on thinking about me kung-fu fighting the bad guys in the video and shit, but really I was hoping that I would turn their minds to a higher plain... Invite them to fully understand that they are a slave to the system that was adopted in 1787 by our forefathers to free us, to allow us to follow the American dream. Now it has been fiendishly corrupted and manipulated to control us and brothers can’t be standing around taking this.

Chris McBean: Will you take us through verse by verse?

Ne- Yo: Gladly...

All my life
And the hereafter   Shakespeare invented this fucking word right here.
I've never seen,
Seen someone like you   It might seem like I am using the word seen twice cause I can’t write but really it’s cause I got like two eyes, like you and like people who ain’t blind or got one eye, like them unicorns and shit.

You're a knife Ah yeah, like a switchblade fool – not some pansy shit butter knife.
Sharp and deadly Like some crazy knife shit.
And it's me
That you cut into I got this from Oscar Wilde or Rambo or some clever action shit.

But I don't mind Like I said, she a Beautiful Monster man, like a skinny Miss Piggy or some shit.
In fact I like it
Though I'm terrified
I'm turned on and scared of you How can I be? Then you're like OH YEAH!

Chorus:
She's a monster
Beautiful monster
Beautiful monster
But I don't mind I am saying that I don't mind that the evil monster (AMERICA) is like a MILF: too old to fuck but too hot not to.

And I need her I need the American system to spoon-feed me. Or do I?
Said I need her
Beautiful monster
But I don't mind Yeah, I did say that a lot... You sure this is the right?

No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...)
No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...)
No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...)
No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...) Yeah...  I don't mind.

In her eyes
There's love and fire Fire is the ignorance that divides us.
In my heart
She's burning through Like, the fire is the constitution or the legal system, it’s one of those.

But I don't mind
In fact I like it
Though I'm terrified
I'm turned on and scared of you This is the poetry right here.

Chorus:
She's a monster (she's a monster)
Beautiful monster (beautiful monster)
Beautiful monster (beautiful monster yeah)
But I don't mind (don't mind) Some people say this is the very best lyric ever written.

And I need her (and I need her)
Said I need her (said I need her)
Beautiful monster (whooah) This is like whooah; calm down America... Then get MAD!
But I don't mind (I don't mind)
But I don't mind

Playing with my heart
And she's playing with my mind
And I don't mind I don't I don't mind
No I don't mind I don't I don't mind
No I don't mind I don't I don't mind
No I don't mind I don't I don't mind Ummm.... Yeah, Autistic kids love this shit.

And I don't mind
Said I don't mind
And I don't mind
Beautiful monster

She's a monster (she's a monster)
Beautiful monster (beautiful monster)
Beautiful monster (oooo) Like Spaghetti-O’s or Cheerios... The system? Some shit...
But I don't mind (but I don't mind)

And I need her (and I need her)
Said I need her (said I need her)
Beautiful monster (beautiful monster)
But I don't mind (ooooo) like Five-O's; Police... Yeah 5 - 0 Man I'm the lyrical astronaut
No I don't mind

No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...)
No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...)
No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...)
No I don't mind (I don't mind I don't I don't mind...) 

Ne - Yo:
Wow... When it’s written down like this it’s almost like it’s attacking the system with its success... It’s like saying “BRAIN DEAD MORONS ARE BUYING THIS RIGHT NOW” Mr Politician “THE SYSTEM IS FAILING BECAUSE I AM MAKING MILLIONS OF POUNDS AND YOUR KIDS ARE ACTUALLY BUYING THIS"

I am like the Super Poet-Negro Policeman of Justice, serving up law and order with a side of sexy kung-fu.

Chris McBean: Even without your pen you are a true word-smith. Thank you

Ne – Yo: Fucking abra-cadabra bitches.

BT advertising campaign with Kris Marshall

You know the campaign; man starts new relationship with woman who is separated from her husband and has to win over the daughter. The whole thing is a roller-coaster of boringly not-very-cutting-edge problem solving... it turns out that most of life's complex problems can be solved by CALLING PEOPLE FROM A LAND-LINE.

So far we can ascertain...

A. If you have BT broadband, you will find it easier to say "yes you can" when step-daughter brings friends over to surf the net as your access is unlimited. What sort of high definition super-porn these 10 year old's are downloading is anyone's guess.

B. When you take your "once in a lifetime" job opportunity, and your new partner inevitably believes you to be a selfish twat, you can pacify her by talking over an some 2nd rate instant messaging service like MSN messenger or Skype. If you are foolish enough not to have BT Broadband in your new bachelor pad, you will definitely get cut off mid-way through tense negotiations thus incurring the wrath of previously mentioned piece of tang. Buying a woman's love is expensive; DON'T GET SHIT BROADBAND... Get BT.

C. Whilst negotiating your make and break last ditch pathetic attempt to win over your (admittedly quite fit) MILF for selfishly following your dream to EARN SOME FUCKING MONEY TO PAY HER FUCKING PHONE BILL, you will be kept awake at night by nightmares about how you tried to book plane tickets to Paris but the internet broke down halfway through. You'll wake up realising that, in fact, you can still buy her love back because you did book the tickets - It was all a dream silly: LUCKY YOU HAVE NOW FINALLY GOT BT BROADBAND (hopefully BT will continue down this route, Kris slowly being driven mad with nightmares; losing connection mid-wank or whilst buying a TWILIGHT BOOK or watching a fat kid fuck around with a pretend light-sabre on YouTube.)

D. The original dad is a BASTARD because he called his kid from a mobile phone. What the FUCKING HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS DOING???? He manages to finally absolve the situation by calling back in the evening and calling his daughter Lucy-Liu. Weird. Of course he is forgiven for this, as he is obviously near to suicide through the stresses of working in a high powered job as a corporate whore. Now I'm beginning to understand the MILF's mentality. She wants a massive house, not to work and for her child to be able to have unhindered access to pornography at all times of the day. BUT IF YOU WANT TO GO TO WORK SHE WILL LEAVE YOU.

E. Everyone at BT thinks that a phone and the internet will solve all of your problems.

F. This has inadvertently turned what probably was started as a genuine attempt to mix modern family life problems with moral issues into a stereotype reinforcing torrent of diarrhoea.

G. I probably should turn the sound down during ad breaks.